A sickly-disturbing, darkly-comic thriller...

My name is John Cleaver, and my hobby is death. I'm fascinated by serial killers, and I've seen a lot of dead bodies in my life, but since my family runs the town mortuary what do you expect? Especially since business has been booming…

That’s because there are two monsters living in my hometown. One of them is a vicious killer who tears his victims to shreds. It might be a man, it might be a wild animal, or it might be something far, far worse…

As for the other monster, well…I’m doing my best not to kill anybody at all.

My name is John Cleaver. I’m fifteen. I’m a mortician. I’m a sociopath. But I am NOT a serial killer.

Want to know what happens next...find out in Mr Monster

Dan Wells has a Bachelors in English from Brigham Young University where he was the editor of The Leading Edge magazine. Find out more about him on his website.

Dan has been blogging for us at The B Word - read his posts here.

If you were an animal which one would you be and why?
This is a very tough question. My favorite animal is a frog, followed closely by a moose and a walrus, but I don't think I'd want to actually be any of them. I have always wanted to fly, so I suppose I'd pick a flying animal--and assuming that imaginary animals are off limits (no dragons!), that leaves me with birds and bats (and, technically, insects, but I'll overlook that for now). Naturally, because I'm weird, my favorite birds are penguins and emus--neither of which can fly. Eagles are too obvious, and hawks are just little eagles, and condors are cool but kind of boring; I want my animal to have some pizazz. Something a little creepy, like a crow or a raven, but those are pretty overdone. So by a long and silly process of elimination, I arrive at...a vulture. That's actually the perfect animal for a horror writer, because we're both always waiting for something to die.

Your most embarrassing moment was…?
Probably too embarrassing to recount in full. Suffice it to say that, through a combination of poor word choice and sheer idiocy, I managed to tell a very good friend of mine, in front of her entire family, that she was only going to college because I was going to a much better college, thus leaving her an open slot. That's not what I meant, and I still feel horrible about it more than a decade later, but there you go. I've never been more embarrassed in my life.

What was the last song you listened to?
As I write this I'm listening to Pandora, to the Chick Rock station I created, and it is playing "Cannonball" by The Breeders; that's actually pretty fortuitous, since I love that song. Before that was "Supernova" by Liz Phair, and before that was "Volcano Girls" by Veruca Salt.

Favourite sandwich filling?
Two of my favorite foods in the entire world are bacon and pickles, both of which make fantastic sandwich fillings, so I'll go with one of those. Or maybe avocado. That makes me think I should just pick bacon, since it goes great with either pickles or avocado, but pickles and avocado don't go well together. Or maybe they do? Dangit, now I have to try it.

What was the most important piece of advice you ever received?
The advice that has most shaped me into a useful, successful person has come in many different forms and from many different sources, but it all boils down to this: you can do anything you want, but if you want it you have to do it. There's a Chinese proverb that puts it another way: find a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life.

Where do you do your best thinking?
I do a lot of my thinking in the car, driving around alone--it keeps my brain just occupied enough to focus it, without being so occupied that it can't do anything else. This helps generate tons of great thoughts, but they don't become true ideas until I go home, or to my office, and write them down. I think with my fingers, which is just a cute way of saying that I can't really wrap my head around an idea until I write it down. I can think about something for days, but it's not until I sit down and start typing that it really starts to flow and form and become something cool.

What’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to you?
Last year my son started kindergarten, and on one of the first days of school I went down to wake him up--I turned on the light, opened the curtains, and sang some little made-up "good morning" song. I stopped in mid-song, my hand on a curtain, and realized that I had turned into my father. I felt so weird I turned the light back off and told him to sleep for ten more minutes.

Sweet or Savory?
Savory. I very rarely eat anything sugary, with the bizarre exception of Blueberry Muffin Tops cereal. Anything that's too sweet makes me gag.

What was your worst fashion disaster?
The entire 21 years before I met my wife.

When you were little you thought you would grow up to be a…?
Superhero. I've been determined to be an author since second grade, which is when I announced to my parents that I was a novelist, but even then I figured I could write during the day and be a superhero at night. I've since learned that being a writer is about as close as you can get to a real superhero, because you get to spend your entire life telling awesome stories and creating awesome characters and fighting (or joining, as the case may be) the forces of evil.

JOHN CLEAVER
John Wayne Cleaver is fascinated by serial killers – so much so that he fears he is a sociopath with the potential to become one. In order to prevent that happening he studies the behaviour of the most notorious killers and lives by a strict set of rules to help him mimic being a ‘normal’ teenager and avoid situations that might tempt him.

Jenny at Wondrous Reads praised I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER for being 'complex, gruesome and frightening, yet brilliant and bold.'

Check out her full review here.

We've also had this great review from one of our readers:

I Am Not a Serial Killer is all about John Wayne Cleaver. He is a fifteen year old sociopath obsessed with serial killers. When a real serial killer comes to John’s town he’s over the moon! But when the vicious killings become far too frequent and John’s best friend’s dad is murdered, John takes it upon himself to stop the killer.
I Am Not a Serial Killer is a gripping and horrifically funny tale, but not for those with an aversion to blood! All those vaguely interested in serial killers will love I Am Not a Serial Killer.
Michael Robinson

EXTRACT: I Am Not a Serial Killer (Download Pdf)